23 Taxi Innovations

Via loyal duelingbarstools reader Cheyne I find a TrendHunter article titled 23 Taxi Innovations. Some of the taxi-trends are pretty awesome, such as Karaoke Cabs (you sing inside – and yes that’s a killer cab name), while others are admirably entrepreneurial, such as flat-rate taxi plans ($65.00 per month, unlimited usage), Pink Taxis (attractive women driving pink cabs, which you’d think would be targeting the male 18-39 demographic, but is actually a female-only taxi service), and Horny Taxis (advertising the Professional Bull Riders (PBR) Tour by equipping cabs with longhorn bull horns). Other trends, however, are suspect, such as the rich and famous (Kate Moss) purchasing taxis as status symbols. Is nothing sacred anymore? Can’t the hardest of hard working entrepreneurs have anything to themselves? And I thought urbanites buying used cowboy jeans was lame. Well, it still is. That will never change. Speaking of lame trends, taxi-cab colored garbage bins is another lame taxi-trend. And it’s insulting.

Another suspect trend is driver-less, electronically controlled cabs. They don’t sound like a lot of fun. It would kill your buzz to hop in a cab, eager to drunkenly interrogate the cabbie, only to find there’s no driver for you. And depending on how much you’ve been drinking, a driver-less cab might really freak you out too. You get in, close the door, cab takes off, then you realize there’s no cab driver. You scream, but the doors are perma-locked. You beat at the windows, scream again, and frantically dial 911. Finally you get an answer, but it’s your ex-girlfriend. Because you dialed the wrong number. (Ha, you thought she got a new job.) Then she tells you she doesn’t care if you die. [Ed. tip: proceed to nearest bar.]

Then there’s a “Taxi Hailer Device,” presumably targeted at individuals who can’t whistle. Hey, I know people in Hawai’i who can’t swim, so go figure. The most dubious taxi trend of all, however, might be “Futuristic Taxis,” which based upon the picture, appear merely to offer more headroom. Apparently people are taller in the future. Someone tell FuturePundit. The article makes futuristic cabs sound pretty sexy, though, stating:

These cabs will feature new technologies that will totally change the design and functionality of the current taxis. Some of the features of the said prototypes are Hybrid Technology support that can cause virtually 0% emission, capability to go 200-mph with 1000-hp that is powered by hydrogen, and can accommodate motorized scooters, wheelchairs, baby strollers and walkers.

Great. When you’re sitting in traffic you can rest assured that if there wasn’t any traffic, and the speed limit wasn’t 55, your 1000 horsepower cab could go almost as fast as a NASCAR stock car, but be as flammable as a rocket. Better hope you don’t get t-boned at the next light. At least the future spares us the inconvenience of collapsing your stroller, walker, or wheelchair. But people still need strollers and walkers in the future, which means that article from the future I linked to a while ago was correct that a major unintended but predictable consequence of Obamacare was medical innovation drying up like the Rio Grande.

Thankfully “Cab Name Speculation” isn’t among the 23 taxi innovations and trends. So I still have the lock on that niche market. What? You’d like someone funnier to take the DuelingBarstools Cab [epic cab name alert] wheel? No. But you can take it around the block, if you claim a scalp in the DuelingBarstools’ Bounty-Cab-Hunt.

Cabs, Humor