Friday Cab Roundup

Yeehaw. Let’s get right into it.

First up is the Nile Cab. Clearly this cab driver is from Egypt. It’s a cool name, I like it. Then again, we’re talking about Egypt. The very name, Egypt, is cryptic, so you don’t have to dig for good cab name. (Yes that’s two intended puns, sorry). He /she (oh screw it, I’ll use ‘he’ from now on – when is the last time you saw a female, Egyptian cab driver in San Diego?) had a (pun alert) treasure trove of great cab names at his disposal. Egypt has so much history, so many iconic symbols (not to mention an entire written language of symbols). Nephrititi, Cleopatra, Pharoah, Mummy (THAT would be a great cab name), the library of Alexandria, the lighthouse of Alexandria, Pyramids, Sphinx, Obelisks – and on and on. But the Nile – the Nile is the river that runs through it. The Nile has sustained life and culture in Egypt for, well, ever. The Nile is Egypt’s alpha and omega. The Nile was there before the pyramids, it will be there after the pyramids. The Nile is a desert Oasis, perhaps the world’s largest. The Nile subsumes all that is Egypt into a single syllable. That’s why it is a tremendous cab name. Kudos, brownie points, and Jersey shore fist pumps to you, Mr. Nile Cab driver.

Next is the Red Top Cab.  On one hand, Red Top Cab is as boring a name as Yellow Cab, as it merely describes the car’s paint job. But there are relatively few Red Top Cabs, and the red / soft yellow is a refreshing break from the 80s-yellow of most San Diego Cabs, so Red Top Cab has that going for it. Plus, very few cab names are three words (In Touch Cab and Call Me Cab are the only two I can think of off the top of my head). Moreover, it’s kinda-sorta savvy to get your cab’s top in your name and marketing strategy, since the cab’s top is the first thing most people see when they sight a cab. But why red? Red’s hard to see at night, and there are a lot of red sedans. And what if you forget to turn on your cab light? People won’t even see you, Red Top Cab. But Carrot Top Cab – now that would be funny. And possibly a trademark / copyright infringement. But it’d recognizable, unforgettable even, and held in high regard here at Dueling Barstools. Red Cloud Cab would have been good too, although Native Americans wouldn’t like you appropriating the name of one of history’s greater statesman and warriors. Red Top Cab gets . . . more kudos than Yellow cab, but not nearly as many kudos as Sea Cab, In Touch Cab, or Mogogo cab.

Third is the Cash Cab. When I first spotted Cash Cab I thought, wished, – no – I ran unabashedly towards it in hopes it was part of the Cash Cab tv show that M.Wife and I Itotally kick ass at when we watch it at home. Seriously, put some combination of Pila, Neil, Cadwell, J.Love, Paulie, and Divinryan in a cab and we’d run the table. Yes that is a challenge to you, Cash Cab tv show. Anway, does the Cash Cab only take Cash? Is that cool with whatever city agency regulates cabs? Is the Cash Cab’s driver a huge Johnny Cash fan? (Click that link, it’s the world’s biggest Johnny Cash fan.) Then again, who isn’t a Johnny Cash fan. Maybe it’s a misspelling due to, in the words of loyal Dueling Barstools reader SarahB, the “cultural origin, the fleeting emotional impulse, and/or nascent grasp of the English language that prompt[s] these name selections[?]” Is Cash Cab supposed to be Cache Cab? But Cache has so many meanings, unless you include the accent over the ‘e.’ And if you have the accent over the ‘e,’ then you’ve got a French cab. And who wants to ride in a French cab, in America? Yes that was a rhetorical question. This is only Cash Cab, and there’s no game show included. That means he wants to take your hard earned cash. I know, all Cabs do. But the Cash Cab is so brazen about telling you he wants your cash. In that sense it’s almost insulting.

Finally, The H-Z Cab. I really have no idea where to begin speculating. But I digress. Maybe the driver doesn’t like letters A-G? At least it’s not the AGW cab – that’d be too much to bear in so many ways. Actually, the fact that the AGW Cab (assuming it’s not a Prius) would most likely stand for “Actual Weight of Gold,” rather than Anthropogenic Global Warming, is really funny. Especially if the cab is bright yellow. And the driver bites it upon request.

Holy. Shit. It just came to me. This is the Hotel Zulu Cab. Think military language, interested readers. But what the fuck does Hotel Zulu mean? A quick google search doesn’t reveal much, but unsurprisingly there are several hotels in Africa named “Zulu” or “Zulu Hotel.” *Note to Hawai’i peeps: Google says there exists a Shakaland Hotel. Really.*

Until further articulable facts allow for the reasonable inference that H-Z Cab (“Hotel Zulu”) is secret code for some nefarious plot that only Dueling Barstools and its legion handful (but growing) of loyal readers can solve, I cannot jump to such a bold conclusion. (Please, vigilant citizen-heroes, keep on the lookout for other “[letter]-[letter"] cabs, take a picture, and upload it to the DuelingBarstools fan-page on Facebook.) For now, Occam’s Razor says this cab driver has a legal or equitable interest in a Hotel named Zulu in Africa.  But if you hear about a plot to destroy the shining light on the hill that is most of San Diego do not, i repeat, do not be surprised if it implicates H-Z Cab. You heard it here first.

Cabs, Humor